But I Did Terrible Things in The Cult
To those still harboring a feeling that they don’t deserve to heal
This piece on moral injury and recovery from shame is part of our Freedom of Mind series, which covers fundamental concepts on cults, recovery, and undue influence. For more learning and information on where to start, please visit our Reader’s Guide
The feeling comes in waves. Sometimes it’s at three in the morning, or during the mundane rhythm of an afternoon at work. It’s something you said, something you did, someone you recruited, someone you shunned, and the full weight of it lands on your chest. You feel physically sick.
The pain is complex, for it is grief for the innocent person you once were, anger at those who manipulated you, and deep, aching remorse for the part you played in causing suffering to others.
I have sat with so many in exactly this moment, and I have been in that moment myself. People who were in leadership roles or raised children in a cult are especially vulnerable to this pain. What I have learned, both professionally and personally, is that you can work through this pain, integrate it, and carry on. It requires an understanding of what happened, why this particular feeling persists beyond ordinary guilt, and what working through it actually requires.
“I Deserve to Feel This Way”
When most people prepare to leave a cult, they come to expect the painful reality of losing their community and their belief system. What many do not expect, and what very few people talk about, is the specific shame of realizing what they themselves did while under the influence of the group.
