Newsletter: When is Estrangement the Answer?
Recognizing the difference between self-preservation and isolation
This week’s livestream will take place on Wednesday, Dec. 3rd, from 2:00-3:00 p.m. EDT. Join us with your questions! You can see last week’s recording here if you missed it.
Is there someone in your family with whom you’re no longer on speaking terms?
MAGA / Cult of Trump radicalization aside (because we have been speaking about this for years), many, if not most, cases of estrangement stem from repeated cases of abuse or are a result of severe boundary violations that lead an adult child to feel like they must protect themselves from further emotional trauma.
However, there are cases of estrangement in which adult children abruptly sever ties with their loving, non-abusive parents, often without explanation or warning.
In these instances, the source of the estrangement is often destructive, undue influence from controlling groups or manipulative relationships, rather than family dynamics. The impetus to pull away often comes from someone who tries to isolate that person from their support systems. One big warning flag is that the person cuts off from almost everyone: siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and even friends who question the radical change in behavior.
When Family Estrangement Doesn’t Add Up
My most recent blog for Psychology Today, When Family Estrangement Doesn’t Add Up, explores this phenomenon and can help you understand the differences between legitimate estrangement and cases where the demand for “no contact” is coming from an unethical source of influence.
I was dismayed to see that Oprah did her podcast on estrangement, with millions of views already, and totally ignored the issue of undue influence from third-party factors! Worse yet, I’m seeing a wave of therapists applauding the two therapists who were promoting their books, who likewise ignore the issue of unethical therapists, authoritarian cults, hypnosis, and other influences. Not a single mention of cults!
There are some untrained or unethical therapists who encourage blanket cutoffs instead of helping people develop resilience, healthy boundaries, and effective communication skills. Mediation is a positive solution that no one mentioned as a potentially viable option, or a family systems trained approach. I hope that Oprah considers a future show where she is willing to educate her vast audience about the differences between ethical and unethical influence. Oprah has enormous influence; she has the potential to reach a vast audience, and with it, the ability to inadvertently cause harm to many families. You can see more of my thoughts about her podcast in the Instagram Live I did on Sunday.
Talking to Your Kids About Cults (by Age) - part 2
Part of building healthy connections is to teach your kids early about how to recognize manipulation and influence in developmentally appropriate ways.
This is an important topic, and the focus of this week’s post for our paid subscribers, part two of our paid-subscriber post, Talking to Your Kids About Cults (By Age).
In this part, you can learn how to:
Understand the adolescent brain
Navigate the years of peak vulnerability with support and skills
Teach your child to recognize the signs of unhealthy relationships
Prepare your young adult for independence and college vulnerabilities
How to have “The Cult Talk” with transitional-age young adults
Subscribe to my Substack to read part one and part two of this article now.
You will get access to my complete archive of practical guides, cult history, and fascinating interviews with experts in the field, such as:
My two-part blog post on unhealthy family dynamics, which includes:
Part one - A Look at Unhealthy Forms of Control in Parent-Child Relationships, is a frank exploration of manipulative parental influence
Part two - Unusual Estrangement, which talks about when estrangement is necessary and when it is harmful.
And also:
YOU-KNOW-WHO: An Alienated Daughter’s Memoir, a powerful interview with author Dana Laquidara about her own experiences with familial alienation.
If Scientology Ruled the World
One organization that is notorious for tearing apart families through their policy of estrangement - which they call “disconnection” - is Scientology.
This destructive group has many more disturbing elements, from L. Ron Hubbard’s questionable intentions and sources to the links to the pseudoscientific beliefs of eugenics that also launched the hate-filled rhetoric of the Third Reich.
For this week’s episode of my Cults, Culture & Coercion podcast, “If Scientology Ruled the World: Nazi Occultists, Sex Magick, Space Aliens, and the Second Coming,”
I interviewed Jon Atack, one of my most trusted colleagues and best friends, an author, artist, poet, musician, and the recognized world expert on Scientology, to discuss his new book.
As you can tell from the title, this discussion is a wild ride through history, philosophy, and the world of ritual magick, with far-reaching implications that have shaped our current political landscape.
You won’t want to miss this one!
Listen on Apple | Spotify | Watch on YouTube
Or read the full blog post version:
If Scientology Ruled the World: Nazi Occultists, Sex Magick, Space Aliens, and the Second Coming
Finally, I want to share an exciting film project I have been advising and invite your help in bringing it to life. Thirty years ago, I helped Jim Picariello’s family intervene to get him out of the Rama cult, and we have stayed friends and colleagues ever since. Jim is a multi-award-winning film writer/director, and he is now developing a dark romantic comedy titled The Cult of Us, about two people in different cults who fall in love as they race to rescue each other. Drawing on his lived experience and my decades of work on cult dynamics and mind control, the film employs humor to help audiences better understand how coercive influence truly operates.
Jim is currently seeking patrons of the arts who can make a tax-deductible contribution through his film’s nonprofit fiscal sponsor, as well as a small circle of private investors who want to be part of this independent production. If you, or someone you know, would be interested in talking with Jim about supporting The Cult of Us, please contact him at jimpicariello@gmail.com
As always, please let us know what you think about these pieces or what you’d like to see us discuss in the future. Thanks so much!
I think your work is more important than people realize and I believe that the further we go into this administration and seeing it out to its conclusion, one way or another, the more important it is going to become because I think it’s the basis for everything that’s happening right now.
I used to watch Oprah when she was first the rage and then you know some of the people that she pushed for a really long time have turned out to be either just idiots or dangerous and Phil is one (I forget his last name ) but the dangerous one is Oz, “Dr”. Oz ,who now is on the cover of emails sent to us by Medicare, which is frightening. God knows where that’s going to go.
Anyway though I can’t afford to be a paying patron, I do have a question for you. You were talking about the intention of a occult member (who is estranging who), my sister used to be a Scientologist, she ended up marrying a man who was not and it was not a dealbreaker for him. She eventually ‘came to’ after reading L. RON Hubbard‘s son‘s expose book. While she was a Scientologist, she was horrible to be around. She also slept with my boyfriend at the time and when I confronted her about it, she said “that’s your problem” so that’s the kind of a person she is. She has never apologized for it ever.
She’s still horrible to be around and for some reason I am on the receiving end of being estranged from her, so she must think I’m dangerous and she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me and I miss her. (Why you ask…)
We’re both in our early 70s and there was no Thanksgiving hello there hasn’t been for several years. Our parents are gone, but even before she was a Scientologist, we didn’t get along so there’s always been a thread since we were children where it’s always been her rejecting me and I’m not really sure how to handle it. It makes me feel terrible. She’s got the whammy on me as Joseph Heller says in Catch-22. I think about her all the time and I’m sure she never thinks of me, even though we’re only 4 miles apart.
Anyway that’s it my two cents and you’re welcome to it. It would be nice if you could address this in your live video tomorrow. I’m hoping I can catch it even if I can’t comment.
Thanks!
I left the cult I was raised in at 18, but this is the first year I started speaking publicly about what it was like growing up on a cult. This was the first thanksgiving where I didn’t speak to my parents. I kept their secrets for 30 years against my will, speaking up about abuse inside of the cult lost me my parents. It gained me my freedom. In the end, they proved to me what I’ve always known— they loved the cult more. I’m done. I refuse to carry this anymore