The question comes to me more than any other, from people who got out and from families who watched someone go in. It is always some version of the same sentence.
How did this happen?
No two recruitment efforts run on the same schedule. Some take a weekend and some take five years. However, let’s explore how it can happen to you, assembled out of hundreds of accounts I have heard over the decades.
Day 1. You Have No Idea
You would never join a cult.
Day 2. You’ve made a new friend
You meet a new woman (or man) in the elevator, coming down from your new job. You’ve just moved to the city to pursue a great new opportunity, and while you’re excited about all of the possibilities, the move has left you feeling a bit lonely.
When the kind looking person points out the wellness book you’re carrying, one you bought on a whim to drown out your moving blues as “a great book”, you agree, it’s a great read. She introduces herself as Sue, and she’s forward and confident when she asks, since you’re new in town, if you’d like to attend a local weekend wellness retreat with her.
“I work right here in the same building,” she adds, brightly.
What the hell, why not? you think, exchanging phone numbers with her. The city is about new adventures, you tell yourself. When you get home, you feel happy. You spend the night reading the rest of the book.
You would never join a cult.
Week 1. You’ve Made a Best Friend
Monday morning, back at work. You loved the retreat. You feel refreshed and energetic. The woman from the elevator, Sue, was by your side most of the time, and she even introduced you to new people, all of whom seemed especially kind and intuitive.
They just seemed to get you, and genuinely sympathized when you told them about your recent move to the city. When you expressed your worries about finding your way in a new place, they listened attentively. You didn’t notice the asymmetry of the conversation, as you told them about the struggles of your job and your family.
“My job can be stressful”, you say. “But I’m really proud to have gotten this far on my own.” Your new friend had grinned wide at you.
“Isn’t she amazing?” she said to the group. You’d felt slightly embarrassed at the strong compliment, but truthfully, you’re pleased someone had noticed. It has been genuinely difficult getting to the place you are now.
After the work week, Sue invites you out to dinner for Saturday night, and you gratefully accept. She hands you a pamphlet that says, “Find Your True Self” and asks if it would be okay if some of the other people from the retreat came as well.
“We’re all part of this group that puts on the retreats,” she adds.
“The more the merrier,” you quip, and mean it. The folks at the retreat were genuinely quite sweet.
You would never join a cult.
Day 8. You’ve Done Your Research
On Friday evening, you open the pamphlet. It looks like the typical spirituality-wellness-self-help smorgasbord type of thing, not dissimilar to the retreat you attended. You’re not exactly into the spirituality side of things, but you’ve always agreed that a mind-body connection is important, and you do enjoy things like meditation.
Reading the pamphlet, you notice a section about a figurehead called Guru Aaron. You’re slightly taken aback as you never recalled hearing about any sort of guru. Is this a religious organization? you wonder. This guru person seems to be the founder of the group, and the retreats appear to be run by the group’s separate nonprofit organization Mindful Identity. You’re slightly confused. Is this one organization, or many?
You pull out your computer, open up Google, and type “Mindful Identity.” The first results that come up are the group’s Wikipedia page, their official website, and a few other inconsequential results. It seems just like a normal group, perhaps a bit more “woo-woo” than you might regularly go for, but it doesn’t necessarily look like something strange.
You search “Guru Aaron Mindful Identity.” There’s a news article about financial fraud, and you click it. It seems like back in 2012, Guru Aaron had been accused of some sort of financial scheme related to the nonprofit. Is this related to the wellness retreat? you wonder. It doesn’t seem like it, and the group had issued a formal apology to its members. Still, the article leaves you uneasy.
Day 9. You Go To Dinner
Dinner is fun. You recognize a few people from the retreat, and they give you hugs and tell you that they’re glad you came. Over drinks, and a little drunk, you ask a question about Guru Aaron and the nonprofit. Emboldened, you joke that you do not buy the part about the founder, but that the retreat was pretty good.
You half expect the temperature at the table to drop. Instead, the man across from you laughs and says he wondered about the exact same thing in his first month, and the table nods like you have just said something extremely insightful. Someone tells you the group needs more people who think the way you do, without hesitation or shame.
You leave that night feeling sharper than you have felt in months. It does not occur to you that nobody actually answered the question.
Day 14. The Flood
Having exchanged numbers with everybody at the dinner, you find yourself with 5 new best friends, all seeming to hang onto your every word.
“Dinner was so fun, I hope I see you again at the next retreat!”
“I loved your joke about corporate culture, isn’t the grind the worst?”
“I’m so happy Sue introduced us, you’re so cool!”
It’s slightly overwhelming, but part of you feels almost giddy. Compared to the loneliness you felt when you’d first moved to the city, this feels like being enveloped in a warm embrace. When you’re invited to another weekend “intensive”, you hesitate slightly, the Guru Aaron incident still in mind. One of them texts you “Can’t wait to see you again!”
You decide it’s not a big deal. You can’t wait to see all of your new friends.
Day 19. The Breakthrough
The retreat runs from six in the morning to close to midnight every day. Walks are assigned in pairs, with each pair assigned to tell each other every one of their worries “without hesitation or shame.” Everybody gathers to sing together every night, and you feel, for the first time in your life, like you have felt completely understood.
By Saturday afternoon, you cry during the evening session where everybody is encouraged to share their struggles and four people you met yesterday put their hands on your back and exclaim “without hesitation, without shame.” You have never in your life been held by that many people at once.
Day 28. You Are Defensive
Attending the two retreats has left you in a state of bliss. When your sister comes to stay with you at your apartment, you tell her about it, excited.
“It’s really helped me feel at home in the city.”
Your sister asks, carefully, what exactly this group believes.
“It’s all about releasing shame through the body,” you tell her. “...and about acting without hesitation,” you add quickly.
You’re not quite sure why, but you feel a strong need to defend your decision to join the group to your sister. Later, you wonder about why you hesitated while explaining the group to your sister. You two had always been extremely close. You shake it off.
Day 35. The First Cloud On A Sunny Day
Ever since going to the retreats, life seems to be looking up for you. You present a risky proposal to your team at work, and to your surprise, it is received well. You whisper to yourself, “Without hesitation, without shame.” It’s a good mantra, you think. It actually works.
Sue asks you if you’d be interested in attending Tuesday meetings with the group’s core.
“They’re like booster sessions,” she explains. “I find between retreats, that group energy kind of wears off, y’know? We build up resistance towards things we’d normally welcome into our lives.”
It makes sense to you, but you have therapy on Tuesdays. Sue reacts with disappointment. She isn’t cold — in fact, she is perfectly pleasant, but you can tell that you’ve done something wrong. It feels entirely different from the initial warmth and unconditional kindness she’s always given you.
After pulling out of the office parking lot, you spend the whole drive home going back through the conversation looking for the sentence where you lost her. Later that night, you pull out that phone and text her an apology, saying you will make it next week.
She texts you immediately back.
“Amazing!! ♥️”
Day 45. Accommodation
Having successfully moved your therapy sessions to Thursdays, you are now free to attend weekly sessions with the core group. To your surprise, they are held at member’s houses, and not at the retreat center.
You feel surprisingly comfortable however and settle in when you are offered a pillow on the floor, some tea, and a hug from the host, whom you’ve never met. Everybody smiles at you like they already know you, and Sue introduces you to some of the members.
“Everybody say hi to our newest!” she exclaims, happily.
The meeting begins, and you recognize some of the practices from the retreat. One by one, everybody present begins to share their struggles from the week. One woman cries when she speaks about her daughter, who had passed away from cancer earlier that year.
“Without shame,” everybody says. You say it too, and you touch her back, absorbing her loss. This was something they’d taught you, her loss belongs to you too. You start to cry, feeling the energy of grief move through you.
As the meeting continues, you hear all sorts of stories from others, daily struggles, frustrations, and crises. You are moved by the willingness to share these intimate moments and feel like you should too. This might actually be better than therapy, you think.
Sue turns to you and whispers, “Do you see that man? That’s Guru Aaron. He’s going to welcome you tonight. It’s really special for him to be here.”
Guru Aaron has been something of a mystery to you since now. You raise your head to peer at him, curious about this enigmatic figure. He looks perfectly normal, wearing a breezy flannel shirt and shorts. He’s smiling, with bright white teeth, and holding his palms out towards you.
“We have a very important person here tonight,” he says. “You have come here, without shame, without hesitation, and we are so blessed to have you in our lives.”
Guru Aaron motions for you to stand up and take his hands. It feels a little strange, but you do, surrounded by the other members watching you expectantly.
“I can sense that you came a long way to be here with us. You’ve been on a journey to find yourself in a new place. I don’t know why, but it feels like you were meant to be here with us tonight. I know you once felt alone. You can release that now.”
You stand, holding his hands, and feel surprisingly seen. You did take a long journey to the city, and you did feel alone and scared.
“We can all learn a lot from you,” he says.
Day 52. Commitment
Sue picks you up on Tuesday. On the drive she tells you that tonight is the Threshold, and that she cried at hers. She looks at you, gives you a supportive smile, and tells you that she is so proud of you. Nobody has ever quite explained to you what this “threshold” thing is, but you have heard from others that it changed their lives. You’re nervous, but open.
The house is further out than the others, and there are more shoes by the door this time. You take your seat on a pillow and get ready for the sharing ritual. This time, you notice, there is a ceramic bowl placed in the middle of the circle, and Guru Aaron is sitting beside it.
“He doesn’t come to every circle,” Sue whispers excitedly, and squeezes your arm. “Two in eight days.” Guru Aaron says your name, and you look up.
“When you first came to us,” he says, “You told us something. You said you were proud to have gotten this far on your own.”
You don’t remember telling him that. The reality is though, you told it to Sue the first week you met her, but right now, you don’t remember. It is true though, you think.
“On your own,” he repeats, and smiles at you with enormous warmth. “But you are still healing in two directions,” he says. “On Thursdays.”
Did you ever mention to him that you had therapy on Thursdays? I must’ve, you muse to yourself. You look at Sue, and Sue is looking at you with her eyes wet with tears. She smiles and rubs your back.
“There is nothing wrong with that woman,” Guru Aaron says. “I’m sure she’s nice. But she is teaching you to examine yourself alone and then carry it out alone. You cannot practice hesitation on Thursday and release on Tuesday. It doesn’t make sense.”
Sue looks at you. “Can you get your phone?” she asks. You go to your bag, retrieve your phone, and sit back down.
“It is important to say goodbye to things that hold us back. Write it now,” he says gently. “Read it to us. We will help you release it.”
Your thumbs don’t move as you replay your 2 years in therapy, remembering the week you started, before the move, when you couldn’t get off the bathroom floor. You were a mess.
Without hesitation, you tell yourself. Without shame. You type a quick message.
“Thank you for all the help. I think I’ve gotten to a good place now. I appreciate you and won’t need any further sessions.”
You hit send. Somebody ties a thin beaded grey cord around your left wrist. The woman whose daughter died holds your face in both hands and tells you that you are so brave, so brave, and you believe her completely.
On the drive home Sue mentions that the commute out here is brutal in winter, and that a few people have talked about how much easier it is when you’re closer.
Day 67. Without Hesitation
You are in a coffee shop on a Tuesday afternoon, in a smaller town, closer to where the main meetinghouse is. You’re staying with another member until you can find your own place that saves the commute to the morning sessions.
Across from you sits a graduate student who is new in town. Introducing yourself, you give your name and tell her that you love the drink she ordered.
Striking up a conversation, you show her genuine interest, and ask, without shame, and without any hesitation, about her family, her work, what she is hoping for.
You are genuinely interested, and that is what makes you effective. You tell her about a weekend retreat that would be a great opportunity for her to meet some friends.
When she says she has heard the group described as a cult, you laugh, and you tell her that you thought exactly the same thing at first.
You would never join a cult.
You’d Never Join A Cult
So, what happened to you?
Well, for starters, one could argue nothing happened that you did not explicitly agree to. There was no moment where you were forced to go somewhere or made to stay. I would argue that you were unknowingly subject to a systematic and coordinated influence operation.
If we go back to the elevator where your journey started, you’d just moved to the city. In many ways, you felt in between the person you were before and the person you wanted the city to create. If you recall, you were carrying a wellness book to feel better.
Research on current and former members has consistently found that most were approached during a period of transition, a move, a breakup, a new job, an illness, a death. So, it makes sense that you were most open at that time.
A wellness book in a work elevator in a city you just moved to is a great deal of information to a trained recruiter before you even open your mouth.
By the end of week one you had told your new friend about your job, your family, and your fear of not finding your footing in a new city that you felt unwelcome in. Notably, you didn’t quite pick up that while you told your new friend all about your life, you learned almost nothing about her. That was on purpose; she was going to become whoever you needed her to be.
When you said you were proud to have gotten this far on your own, that sentence was actually written down on a napkin, stowed for later. You offered it as an aside, but when Guru Aaron mentioned it, of course it felt true — you’d said it yourself. Sue had told him of course.
On Day 8, kudos to you, you did some research. Something had made you feel uneasy, and you followed your nose. You found the fraud article, but you went to dinner, anyway. You’d intended to ask about it, then. Information control does not actually require that facts be hidden from you. However, by the time you found them, you already had five people ready to steer the record straight.
At dinner, you stuck to your gun and were actually rewarded for pushing back. You walked out feeling like the sharpest person at the table, and the phrase without hesitation or shame entered your vocabulary that night as a compliment about your character.
Only just two weeks in, you were love bombed. Five people coordinated and worked from what you had told Sue. They all knew you were lonely, friendless, isolated, and looking for a new start. This positive attention from multiple sources flooded your brain with dopamine and oxytocin, making you feel warm and loved. You cannot think clearly while this is happening, any more than you can think clearly while drunk. Many ex-members of cults describe this period as feeling like falling in love.
Day 19, your intensive retreat, was not actually a breakthrough. It was unfreezing. Edgar Schein, applying Kurt Lewin’s model in his 1961 book Coercive Persuasion, described a three-stage process, unfreezing to break a person down, changing to indoctrinate, refreezing to lock the new identity in place. Though it felt like you had never been seen like that before, your defenses did not fall because the ideas themselves were persuasive. You had not slept and had not been alone in two days.
On Day 28, you defended a group you had not formally joined. Social psychologist Leon Festinger’s work on cognitive dissonance helps us understand what happened next. Cognitive dissonance theory tells us that when we do not act in accordance with our beliefs, we become extremely uncomfortable, so we are motivated to act differently, change our beliefs, or else remain uncomfortable. You did not defend the group because you were convinced. You became convinced because you defended it.
On Day 35, Sue was not cold, but you could tell she was disappointed. Compared to the group lovebombing, this was devastating. Of course you sought out approval.
By Day 45 you were thought-stopping. Thought-stopping is any practice, a phrase, a chant, a prayer, that shuts down doubt at the instant doubt appears, and without hesitation, without shame is an efficient one. Hesitation itself became the flaw. You were also taught that another woman’s grief belonged to you, and while that sounds compassionate, it dissolved the boundary between you and the group.
And on Day 52, a group of people watched you with wet eyes, with real emotion, and congratulated you on reaching the threshold. But in your eyes, you still haven’t joined a cult.
Not too long after, you were living with a member, and you were in a coffee shop recruiting. This is fairly typical of cults. If you recall, I mentioned that we determine our beliefs by our actions. Cults know this, and a great way to solidify belief in the cult doctrine is by getting you to convince others. This is also what I mean when I say the victim becomes the victimizer.
One thing is true though; you never did join a cult. You were recruited into one over a period of many weeks, by people who were themselves recruited. These are early days, and you are bright eyed. Many of the consequences of what you will be directed to give up have not arrived. Nothing has been told to you yet about what happens if you leave. When you doubt, it will come, and it will arrive as a story about someone who left and has been struggling since, told sadly, by people who love you.
The woman you were in the elevator on Day 1 is still in there. The authentic self is buried under the group identity. It is not gone but merely suppressed. It waits, and in my experience, it waits with astonishing patience, for permission, for truth. It waits for another midnight Google search, an unignorable inconsistency, for concerned family to reach out.
In some ways, it waits for a new Day 1, the first day you leave a cult.
All names, organizations, and circumstances detailed in this article are fictional, but reflect strong examples of real circumstances. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons is coincidental.
Further Reading
The deep dive on Weeks 2 through 4 of this timeline, including the neurochemistry, the four recruitment types, and a practical guide to defusing it in real time.
Breaking Through Thought-Terminating Clichés
For readers who recognized the Day 11 dinner table, how a single rehearsed phrase ends an inquiry, and how to answer one.
Use of Words, Loaded Language, and “Thought Control” of Believers
Rebuilding Your Identity Post-Cult
For readers who have already left and are working out which parts of themselves were theirs all along.
Combating Cult Mind Control: The #1 Best-Selling Guide to Protection Rescue and Recovery from Destructive Cults by Steven Hassan
Moving and eloquent piece, Steve.
Beautifully laid out. Just perfect.